Irish Humor

A man is walking down the streets of Belfast late one night when another man jumps out of the shadows holding a machine gun and asks: "Are you Catholic or Protestant?" The first man responds "Neither I'm Jewish." In a hail of gun fire he falls dead. The second man starts to walk away and thinks to himself, I'm the luckiest damn Arab in Ireland.


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU FOOL FLY!!!!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A botlle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too." "Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way. Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side. "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation." "It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot an Irishman sitting alone at a table. One fellow says to the others, "Let's pick a fight with the Mick over there". His partner replies, "Wait we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight" The third Englishman says, Wait here chaps. I know how to do it". He goes over to the Irishman and says, St. Patrick was a bloddy faggot!" To which the Irishman replied "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer. The second Englishman now tries his luck and says to the Irishman, "St. Patrick was a fag that wore a dress!" To which the Irishman again replies "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer. The last Englishman tell his friends he knows how to rile the Mick and bounces up to the table and screams "St. Patrick was an Englishman!" To which the Irishman matter-of-factly replied "So your friends were telling me."